Friday, August 7, 2009

Malicious attacks from behind a computer screen

I did not write this and no, it is not real (other than the part about the Bens getting fired) but it is pretty funny

Lyons And Mankiewicz Fired From At The Movies
5 August 2009 (

Disney and AMC Media Productions today announced the firing of Ben Lyons and Ben Mankiewicz from the movie review show At The Movies. The show, a descendant of the popular Siskel And Ebert At The Movies show from the eighties and nineties, suffered poor ratings and the scorn of thinking people everywhere due to the complete vapidity of its hosts.

Of the firing, maligned host Lyons managed to maintain a typically enthusiastic outlook. “This firing is the best thing that ever happened to television, movies, or entertainment media in general!!!” said the deposed host with his trademark big toothy grin.

Lyons’ co-host on At The Movies, Ben Makiewicz, greeted the news with relieved exhaustion. “If I had to sit across from that fucking dumbshit for one more week, I swear to God I was planning on detonating a tactical nuke,” raved Makiewicz. He added: “I’ve actually heard K-Mart mannequins give more insightful film criticism than that grinning asshole.”

A spokesperson for Disney said that the move was inevitable given the rapid decline in ratings. “We tried everything in an effort to make this show work. We tried teleprompters, sock puppets, and casual Fridays. We even attempted to replace him with a CGI version of Ben Lyons giving marginally decent reviews. In the end, we realized that the guy simply knows nothing about film whatsoever,” said Janine Freese of AMC. “In response to this catastrophe, we have also fired our entire development team. They should have known that Lyons was a wet hamburger during the first interview.”

The response from show founder Roger Ebert, still recovering from salivary cancer, was predictably effusive. When asked for a comment, Ebert replied, “FFfffflllluccgkkking rllrlrright!”

Makiewicz said that, with his new freedom, he intends to review films that contain no CGI effects whatsoever in an attempt to “clear his palette.” As for his counterpart, Makiewicz offers this advice: “Rot in hell, you stupid fucking retard.”

As for the unpopular Lyons, he says that the unexpected sabbatical will do some good. “The most popular aspect of my career was being pushed aside by this reviewing thing,” said Lyons with a smile. “Now I can get back to doing what fans expect of me, namely, posing for photographs with the marginally famous.”

No word yet on whether he knows how to spell the word “film”.


Andrew said...

Check out Ebert's review of the recent release "Irene in Time". He actually winds up his review by bitch-slapping two hyperbole-spewing quote whores, including...well you know who.

Anonymous said...

haha he just got "shyt canned", back to nickelodeon where he belongs.

Anonymous said...

Now you should go after Betsy Sharkey of the LA Times aka Ben Lyons in drag

Agatha said...

Very funny parody article.



Nita said...


You just know that's what Mank was thinking all along!

Anonymous said...

The other title should be: